Sunday, 3 April 2011

Restless Ramblings of a Menopausal Child.

Aim Higher

Today has been a little how i feel, not quite anything, mild but not warm, bright but not sunny, nice but not great!Today i feel so restless, like  I am on the verge of something that refuses to reveal itself. Like the secret of life is just out of reach, teasing me as it dances around on the edge of my consciousness. If I had any sense I would go and find something to do and stop pushing for the answer because this soul searching makes me miserable, but I can't.
This leads me to ask my self the usual boring question "why can't I feel content"? I wish I knew what it was that I feel is missing. Does anyone else understand this? I have had a really nice weekend, a family meal for my Birthday, it was great to have my husband, sons and brothers around me as well as their family's.Mothers day has been remembered by both of my sons but still I feel unfulfilled. I have some great people and things in my life but I am certain that there is something more for me.I want More! if only i could work out what I want more of.
But part of me does know if I am honest.I shall write a list and hope I don't shame myself.
I am 51 now and I want to be adored, my husband loves me I know, but adore me? He must be driven insane by my neediness and searching for excitement. I want to be adored, I want to feel that sense of desperate wanting, when you cant wait to see someone, that I felt when we first met 34 years ago.
I am 51 now and I want to be needed, I want to be the centre of someones life, my sons still need me a bit but not like when they where children with cuddles and laughter on tap. In those days i felt part of something not like i was circling around the edge of someone Else's life.
I am 51 now and my Mum is ill and probably wont be around for much longer now. My mum always made me feel special. My mum always had the answer to all of life's problems, where will I go for that unconditional comfort when she is gone.
I am 51 now and My Mum is ill. She is scared and unsure of what is ahead of her, she asks me for reassurance that she has not commited a sin that will prevent her going to heaven. I am sure she hasn't, she is a kind loving woman, but I am not sure about the heaven bit. What do I tell her? I try to tell her that she has nothing to fear but even in her muddled state of mind I,m not sure she is convinced and wish I could say more. She needs me to say more, she would know what to do where the roles reversed.
I am 51 now and feel I should do something that matters.Climb a mountain! sail a tall ship! join a silent order! Sing with a band! Write a song! Feed the world! Find God!Care for orphans in a far off land!Get in my car and drive until I run out of road! Scream until I run out of breath!
I am 51 now. Would somebody please tell me what to do? In return I will do my best to map read  when you get lost.
Does any one else feel like this or is it just the Menopause, I do hope it is just the big M because I am driving myself mad with this and am well aware that I am becoming a self pitying bore. Sorry.

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