Tuesday, 16 November 2010


I just turned on the news and it seems the government are to monitor our Happiness. Just how they are going to do this when happiness comes and goes so easily, I am not quite sure.

My question today is how do we find and keep our happiness?
I had felt extraordinarily happy for several weeks now and couldn't quite work out why. Nothing in my life had changed, same family,same job, same financial worries and then one morning i woke up and it had gone to be replaced by not depression but definitely a gloom. I gave myself a good talking to, ''come on now you should be happy, The sun is shining and in fact things are looking up, hubby has a new job after a long stretch of illness and unemployment which is fantastic! Financial stability is sitting on the horizon, so why so gloomy?
Well I think I finally know the answer. The last few years have been a bit tough as I have fought hubby's depression and mood swings, forcing myself to believe that things will get better. Of course life has it ups and downs and it must have been so painful for him loosing every thing from his job to his father and his dignity as he found himself doing and saying the most inappropriate of things for no reason he could even begin to explain the next day, that's if he could even remember the incident. But I seem to have spent a long time at the bottom of the trough since the turn of the century, God that makes me sound old, which of course i am a bit.

Now don't get me wrong I know that there is no reason why I should not be tested and I have tried to follow the example of my friend Margaret http://www.margaretwest.net/ and find a spiritual happiness which I truly believe is there if I could just find it. Last spring Mags gave me a gift , a Wish diary, for which I was very grateful but thought was a bit a a giggle. It was in fact the start of what I have finally realised today. On the 7.45 to Bromley south, after several weeks of carting this diary around in my bag, I thought to amuse myself on the journey ( and if I am honest to try to relieve the deep despair I was feeling on this particular day) I would start to fill it in. Now I don't really understand this wishing business and I am sure Mags would be much better placed to explain it,but it helped. I thought a little about what I was feeling. I was ANGRY.Hell was i angry that hubby was unable to control his moods, angry that even that smallest decision was beyond him and that he would spend so much time trying to decide what to prepare for Dinner that there wouldn't actually be any cooked and angry that he had left me so bloody alone. Which brings me back to Wishing.positive affirmations the instructions said, I am rather than I will." I am being patient with Hubby" I told the diary that day on the train and" I am saving for a Camper Van". Now in the long term these have both been tricky, I have been more successful with one than the other but I had made a decision and do you know what I felt good about it. As the months have passed my resolution has been tested but through this written commitment i have been able to cope a little better and slowly a kind of Happiness found me and I think people around me have felt it too. Now I skip ahead to this week. I feel really unsettled and a little Blue which is very silly because all of the things I wished for are coming through. Hubby Is much better and now has a Job which he is loving, we will have a second wage coming in which will take the pressure off a bit,in fact the whole family seem really settled so what is wrong with me? Ha! my revelation, it is change, Change is what i am finding difficult and is making me sad. I have been sailing this ship for so long single handed for so long I has felt normal and now the tide has changed and I don't know which way to steer. What I have been feeling is contentment and acceptance, happiness followed on it's own. Mr Cameron take note uncertainty causes unhappiness.


  1. Ah Carole, you have just discovered that change isn't always bad.But it does bring with it problems. Anger turned inwards can spur you on,enable you to cope in tough situations, but what happens to that emotions when the tide flows in another direction? Your left with a destructive emotion that can bring you own and sink you quicker than the titanic. Maybe the book I gave you last year was meant for his time period of your life. Everything usually happens for a purpose. I'm glad it helps you now. Now is the time to embrace the future with a positive outlook. One door has closed on a destructive cycle of your life, now another opens into clarity. Love the blog. Keep it up.

  2. Hello! *whispers* Margaret sent me! lol

    Change is such a tricky thing, I can totally relate. It's something I don't do well, and have to prepare myself for, but that's not always possible. Look at it like this, your ship has just gotten through a terrible trough, now it's a smooth sea, so you're free to relax and enjoy the ride. It's your right, as Captain. While you relax, think about what you want your next goals to be - what you want, for a change, not what other people need.

    Okay, a bit of a intro here - my name is Julie Lynn Hayes (call me Julie or Jules) I am a writer, primarily of romance and paranormal, sometimes both at once. I am privileged to be in Mags critique group. Anything else you'd like to know, feel free to ask. I have a website at www.julielynnhayes.com, it's not quite up to date, but my webmaster is getting there.

    Nice to meet you, Carole. :)

  3. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I've been feeling a lot of the same emotions. Maybe I don't like change either. :)

  4. Hello! I saw Margaret's note about a new blogger, also. I'm an obsessive blogger, both my own and reading others, and love to spur them on. :-)

    I think your current mental state is because you've had to be so strong for so long and now your body is finally releasing some of that strain. It's okay. Just be sure to do something you enjoy every day and you'll work your way back.

    It's nice to meet you. :-)

  5. Pleased to meet a blogger that I can relate to being a reader, rather than a writer. I'm so glad margaret posted your link. she is such a kind soul.

  6. I'm a reader like peggy. pleased to meet you, carole.

  7. Hi,nice to meet you all. Thanks for the encouragement and kind words.

  8. Happiness is a funny thing really, good on the one had and on the other the question 'why am I happy'. I lost my happiness last year when I lost mt partner, and was very unhappy and depressed, but all of a sudden happiness is starting to sneak up on me again. I do like it but then why should I be happy when I was so upset with losing my partner, then it dawned on me that maybe he is sending me happiness as a way of saying ' hey buck up, you can't be unhappy forever', so hey what the heck grab the happiness and make life brighter. And if I'm honest I think I like being happier. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

  9. Happiness is a fleeting thing. If the government wants to control happiness, I have no doubt they will order us to take "happy pills."
    I think that every day brings us all happiness, depression, anger, the whole lot.
    And I think many times we are so wrapped up in the anger, the depression, that we don't recognize happiness if it smacked us upside the head. All this, of course, is my humble opinion.
    The platitudes, Walk a mile in another persons shoes and stop and smell the roses come to mind.

    Sometimes, I think when we do smile, we don't stop and enjoy that light smile long enough during the day. To think about what is making us smile, feel lighthearted at that very moment, and then stop long enough to enjoy that moment.

    Life throws you some awful curves, I know from experience. But, I think every day, one thing happens to make a smile spread on your face. Those are happiness moments. Try to enjoy them.

  10. Hi;

    I, too, saw Margaret's post and thought I'd come by and visit. (If you're wondering, I'm a writer, but I surely started out a reader, and that's still true!)

    Thanks so much for sharing your experiences in such an open and honest way. It's good for us all to know we're not the only ones going through the seemingly inexplicable ups and downs.

    I think you're very right about change. Even change for the better can be scary, and letting go of having to be the strong one can feel wrong in subtle ways, even when you know, without doubt, it's time to share the burden.

    I wish you every success in finding a balance for yourself and your family. Sounds like you'll get there. Thirty years - that's a special kind of love. Good luck, and happy reading.

    Jaime Samms

  11. Like LK, I saw Margaret's note about a new blogger. Sounds like you're had a rough time of it. No one can bear up under continual rotten times without cracking a bit, so don't beat yourself up. Sounds like things are getting better. If it helps, write here all you like. We'll listen.

  12. Hi Carole,
    I saw Margarets note about the new blogger. I am a writer as well as a reader (don't do as much'reading as I would like these days). I think you have been incredibly brave and I marvel at your strength for having got through so much trauma.

    Best of luck in the future to you, your husbnad and family.