Thursday, 6 January 2011

Saturday, 1 January 2011

I Just don't get it!

How do you make yourself feel Christmas? I have failed miserably this year! I am so disappointed, I feel like I have been swindled out of the good cheer that seems to be a must have feeling that every one around me seems to have, or do they? I have watched jealously as people reveled in all the Tatt and tinsel that goes with the season of good will these days and wonder. Why dont I feel it?
It is at times like this that I really question the benefits of having a personal moral code for it is this that gets in between me and Christmas. To me Christmas is remembering the birth of Jesus, it's his Birthday party after all, and the trouble is I don't think I really believe. Oh yes there certainly was a Jesus, The son of god hmmmmmmm........ not so sure. Well that's OK, I can be happy to celebrate the Birthday of some strange bloke born in Bethlehem hundreds of years ago.
So that's belief out the window.
Now the presents, you see I always thought they where supposed to be symbolic of the gifts delivered by Three Wise Men who traipsed across the desert following a star? I get the feeling these days they are more symbolic of the Deadly sin "Avarice". The need for Gifts given and received seems to far outweigh any thought of the baby Jesus or the Very long journey those kings must have made and the faith they must have had to follow a bright star, I often see bright lights in the sky but have never felt the urge to follow them on the off chance there may be some special sign being sent to me.So what made them do it?
So that's faith swiftly following beliefs swift departure.
Now Turkey,chocolates, pudding, booze, more chocolate, the list of treats we must now indulge in if we are to have Christmas is endless. How did this Gluttony find its way in? ahhhh another deadly sin! This is where maybe I start to weaken a little as I have a soft spot for all of the above.
I am starting to see the issue clearer now. We have been lured into all these extra temptations in the name of a maybe slightly confused, but very kind bloke, born in a far off land, a very long time ago.
( I would say thank God, but that would indicate that I believe which I don't think I do, so I shan't!)
Well that would be OK, i could really go for that if the Personal code didn't keep getting in my way. It makes me sad that so many people are being swept along to the party and don't really know who the birthday boy is. It just feels a bit hypocritical doesn't it? Would Jesus have wanted this? I just can't seem to reconcile this in my head, Christmas makes me feel sad and sometimes lonely. I don't like Christmas, there I have said it.
Today is new years day and i need to get this off my chest. I feel grateful that I have food on my table but guilt that we waste so much.Grateful that I have been tucked up in doors when so many are cold or homeless or both. Grateful that I have family, but miss those who I do not see as often as I would like and those i will never spend Christmas with again.I feel ashamed that I am whingeing when I have so much and so many have so little and it always feels worse at Christmas. And lastly I envy, there we go I am sure that must be another sin, all those who either believe or enjoy Christmas.
I have just read this back, what a miserable woman I sound, how did I get confused? Does anyone else feel like this?
The one thing I would like for myself in 2011 is..........? Is there a way to let myself join the party with a clear conscience? I am going to search for it before next Christmas or maybe i shall just have to celebrate something else on 25/12/2011.
PS. I am open to suggestions X