We are expecting a baby!!! Not "we" as in Hubby and me but "we" as in, my son and his partner are expecting a baby. this is fantastic news, there hasn't been a baby in my family for quite some time. Well not one that I get to hold anyway. I was amazed at my response when they told me the news, I squealed, for those of you that don't know me I am not a squealy sort of person. In fact recently I have some times thought that maybe I have forgotten how to have fun. I watch the squealing women on the TV screaming over stuff, Film stars, game shows, getting drunk and dirty falling out of bars, Christmas........ and I wonder, What are they getting so excited about? Is anything that exciting anymore? and then I heard this wonderful news about the baby! I cant wait, I know I will have to wait, I know it's not my Baby but WOW what a feeling as they say in the song. And then I started to dream a little, then I started to remember the moment I saw my Granddaughter for the first time. That was the day I became a believer. No, not the god thing, the day I became a believer in love at first sight. You love your own children, you laboured and brought them into the world surrounded by anxiety's and doubts, Worries that you cant take care of them properly, wont know how to feed them, dress them, get them to sleep through the night, afraid that if you don't manage to snatch 6 consecutive hours of sleep at least once this week you really will start to behave like a Rabid Mother Gerbil and eat the tiny offspring, so it would be a damn swindle if you didn't get to love them. Grandchildren are different, they are like a perfect sugary gift that smell of something indescribably wonderful and baby Talc. You know all the right things to do, even if it is forbidden to let the new mum in on your secret, and when you get to hold the new baby a warm glow spreads through you as you see a little glimpse of the baby you where to anxious and tired to fully appreciate the first time around. Anyway after I recovered from my initial excitement I pondered my own baby's and pulled out some old photo's. Oh how sad they make me feel, what amazing little boys they where, I feel a sense of loss that I can't remember more of their growing up, I would love to savour the joy of watching them sleep without the fear that I may wake them. Share their glee at painting my Freezer with gloss paint while i wasn't watching, without the feeling of guilt that I had taken my eye off of them, they where so proud of their handy work. I would like the chance to do it all again and not rush them to grow. I cant wait, did i mention that already, sorry. I am sure I will mention it again soon.
The Photograph
Captured in a moments glee
My tiny son stares back at me.
His hand on hip so glad to pose
I don’t think he even knows
The future that I see.
That photograph is put away
To pause and look another day.
The essence of a mothers Joy
Captured in that little boy.
The hope that’s kept at bay
The Image when again is found,
reminds you time has turned around.
Those dreamy childhood moments passed,
A proud young man he is at last.
To wonder and astound.
How did those years slip by so swiftly,
Slip away, pass so quickly.
Is that a tear of pride I cry,
For a forgotten memory of my boy.
For the man I knew he’d be.
Friday 17 December 2010
Monday 29 November 2010
Shut that door!
To close the door or leave it open, That is the question! My customers are obsessed with our stores front door.I hooked it open today despite the biting chill that crawled its Icy tendrils around the ankles before starting to devour our toes and nearly every customer that came in tried to yank the door shut, even though it had clearly been open when they entered. "Do you want this door closed" they asked in that tone of Voice that so clearly conveys their disapproval, before I explain that the door is open because it sticks in damp weather and when we close it, many of our clientele seem to find the closed door a bit of a puzzle and don't bother coming in. This explanation is met with much lip pursing and Hmmmming, of course it is blatantly clear that My staff and I are making this up, we obviously keep it open because we enjoy the feeling of a cold wind biting at our Bums and look forward to the day when our fingers drop off from Frost bite! Their helpful suggestions? You really should turn the heaters off if you are going to let all the warmth out,You should close it, have you not heard about the Ozone?
Finally by Mid morning when it was on the tip of my tongue to tell them to mind their own damn business I gave in to public pressure. Carefully a bumper was hung between the inside and out side door Knobs to prevent the door sticking and I boldly unhooked the door. A soft thud as it slowly swung shut and almost instantly a warm glow wafted across the store as the cosy heat from the over door blower shared itself instead of heating the high street. Almost immediately the front door slowly opened a crack and Gingerly a mitten clad hand grasped its edge as it opened further. A cold breeze whipped in as a chilled, woolly hatted head poked around the door. Are you open? this lady enquired as she gazed around at the staff and customers inside the shop.
Well just for a moment I thought I had been possessed by Victor Meldrew because all I could hear as I gazed at her in disbelief was "I don't believe it!" My colleague must have seen that a long stream of expletives could quite possibly explode from my lips at any moment and quickly chipped in. "Oh yes, just keeping the heat in". The customer looked puzzled, was this some kind of Indiana Jones style trap and would an avalanche of assorted potpourri and lamp shades be triggered as she set foot on the door mat? Would red lights flash and sirens wail if she broke the infra red beam as she approached the fashion dept. Is it really so bloody strange to find a door pushed too on a very cold, snowy, Monday morning when the lights are all on and piped, really bad, music is playing? NO!!!
Why do us Brit's seem to find it necessary to state the obvious.
"Your letting the heat out" Really? I thought it would know to stay in when it is so cold out.
"It would stay warmer in here if you shut the door" When did you get your PHD in home insulation?
It stayed pretty much the same all day and in the interests of equality I should say the Women where almost as bad as the men and I am sure the foreign visitors where saying pretty much the same thing, if only they where speaking English!!!!
Goodness me I feel better for a rant.It always seem to be the little things that get you going doesn't it? Still -10 forecast for tomorrow I look forward to my impending education regarding the future of the planet and our part in its demise v the age old problem of when best to keep it shut!
Finally by Mid morning when it was on the tip of my tongue to tell them to mind their own damn business I gave in to public pressure. Carefully a bumper was hung between the inside and out side door Knobs to prevent the door sticking and I boldly unhooked the door. A soft thud as it slowly swung shut and almost instantly a warm glow wafted across the store as the cosy heat from the over door blower shared itself instead of heating the high street. Almost immediately the front door slowly opened a crack and Gingerly a mitten clad hand grasped its edge as it opened further. A cold breeze whipped in as a chilled, woolly hatted head poked around the door. Are you open? this lady enquired as she gazed around at the staff and customers inside the shop.
Well just for a moment I thought I had been possessed by Victor Meldrew because all I could hear as I gazed at her in disbelief was "I don't believe it!" My colleague must have seen that a long stream of expletives could quite possibly explode from my lips at any moment and quickly chipped in. "Oh yes, just keeping the heat in". The customer looked puzzled, was this some kind of Indiana Jones style trap and would an avalanche of assorted potpourri and lamp shades be triggered as she set foot on the door mat? Would red lights flash and sirens wail if she broke the infra red beam as she approached the fashion dept. Is it really so bloody strange to find a door pushed too on a very cold, snowy, Monday morning when the lights are all on and piped, really bad, music is playing? NO!!!
Why do us Brit's seem to find it necessary to state the obvious.
"Your letting the heat out" Really? I thought it would know to stay in when it is so cold out.
"It would stay warmer in here if you shut the door" When did you get your PHD in home insulation?
It stayed pretty much the same all day and in the interests of equality I should say the Women where almost as bad as the men and I am sure the foreign visitors where saying pretty much the same thing, if only they where speaking English!!!!
Goodness me I feel better for a rant.It always seem to be the little things that get you going doesn't it? Still -10 forecast for tomorrow I look forward to my impending education regarding the future of the planet and our part in its demise v the age old problem of when best to keep it shut!
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Katie Price
So Katie price is to Edit the today programme on Radio 4. Judging by the who-Ha around this decision I think it would be fair to say that popular opinion is that she is not up to the Job. My question today then is, Are the opinions and Views of the common man not Valid? Now I am not a big fan Of Jordan AKA Katie price and to be honest I don't think I have ever intentionally listened to the Today programme and my first thought was "God No!" But then I had a rethink.
I have a reputation among my family and friends, it would seem, of being a very scary Woman and on the other hand being a bit of a goody goody? I think what they are saying about me is that I am a woman with strong opinions who is not afraid to voice them, but maybe I am kidding myself? How would I describe my self? Fair I think and I try to consider why people behave the way they do and how I would behave in their situation, but with little patience for apathy. So back to Katie Price. My first instinct is why would anybody be interested in listening to anything she has to say, I don't think I have ever heard or read anything by her that wasn't Vapid and self serving, is there anybody currently in the public eye that is more me,me,me than her? Katy is undoubtedly clever she has built herself a business empire worth millions with no other talent barr having surgically enhanced ,Very large breasts and I would be surprised if there was anyone in the country that is unaware of her. So why would radio 4 choose such a talentless artificial woman as a guest editor? well maybe they have been cleverer than we think and my only hope is that Jordan is up to the challenge, for the sake of the hoards of teenage Young women that look at her and think that all they need to get on in the world is to be sexy I hope she is! Maybe behind all the self promotion there is a real woman with opinions of her own and if I understand this editing business correctly, by taking away her voice and Making her choose others to represent what she considers appointment we may get a peep at the real Katy Price. We are all so quick to judge and constantly dismiss others values that maybe we don't give enough of a voice to others, That strange woman on the bus who always wants to strike up a conversation, The bloke in the park that sits on the bench next to you, the teenager that seems all swear words and swagger..........I must try to listen they too may be living a very interesting life. Well I guess me and mine would say I had my goody head on today, maybe, they shouldn't be so quick to judge they don't know what I am really thinking.
Tuesday 16 November 2010
Happiness
I just turned on the news and it seems the government are to monitor our Happiness. Just how they are going to do this when happiness comes and goes so easily, I am not quite sure.
My question today is how do we find and keep our happiness?
I had felt extraordinarily happy for several weeks now and couldn't quite work out why. Nothing in my life had changed, same family,same job, same financial worries and then one morning i woke up and it had gone to be replaced by not depression but definitely a gloom. I gave myself a good talking to, ''come on now you should be happy, The sun is shining and in fact things are looking up, hubby has a new job after a long stretch of illness and unemployment which is fantastic! Financial stability is sitting on the horizon, so why so gloomy?
Well I think I finally know the answer. The last few years have been a bit tough as I have fought hubby's depression and mood swings, forcing myself to believe that things will get better. Of course life has it ups and downs and it must have been so painful for him loosing every thing from his job to his father and his dignity as he found himself doing and saying the most inappropriate of things for no reason he could even begin to explain the next day, that's if he could even remember the incident. But I seem to have spent a long time at the bottom of the trough since the turn of the century, God that makes me sound old, which of course i am a bit.
Now don't get me wrong I know that there is no reason why I should not be tested and I have tried to follow the example of my friend Margaret http://www.margaretwest.net/ and find a spiritual happiness which I truly believe is there if I could just find it. Last spring Mags gave me a gift , a Wish diary, for which I was very grateful but thought was a bit a a giggle. It was in fact the start of what I have finally realised today. On the 7.45 to Bromley south, after several weeks of carting this diary around in my bag, I thought to amuse myself on the journey ( and if I am honest to try to relieve the deep despair I was feeling on this particular day) I would start to fill it in. Now I don't really understand this wishing business and I am sure Mags would be much better placed to explain it,but it helped. I thought a little about what I was feeling. I was ANGRY.Hell was i angry that hubby was unable to control his moods, angry that even that smallest decision was beyond him and that he would spend so much time trying to decide what to prepare for Dinner that there wouldn't actually be any cooked and angry that he had left me so bloody alone. Which brings me back to Wishing.positive affirmations the instructions said, I am rather than I will." I am being patient with Hubby" I told the diary that day on the train and" I am saving for a Camper Van". Now in the long term these have both been tricky, I have been more successful with one than the other but I had made a decision and do you know what I felt good about it. As the months have passed my resolution has been tested but through this written commitment i have been able to cope a little better and slowly a kind of Happiness found me and I think people around me have felt it too. Now I skip ahead to this week. I feel really unsettled and a little Blue which is very silly because all of the things I wished for are coming through. Hubby Is much better and now has a Job which he is loving, we will have a second wage coming in which will take the pressure off a bit,in fact the whole family seem really settled so what is wrong with me? Ha! my revelation, it is change, Change is what i am finding difficult and is making me sad. I have been sailing this ship for so long single handed for so long I has felt normal and now the tide has changed and I don't know which way to steer. What I have been feeling is contentment and acceptance, happiness followed on it's own. Mr Cameron take note uncertainty causes unhappiness.
My question today is how do we find and keep our happiness?
I had felt extraordinarily happy for several weeks now and couldn't quite work out why. Nothing in my life had changed, same family,same job, same financial worries and then one morning i woke up and it had gone to be replaced by not depression but definitely a gloom. I gave myself a good talking to, ''come on now you should be happy, The sun is shining and in fact things are looking up, hubby has a new job after a long stretch of illness and unemployment which is fantastic! Financial stability is sitting on the horizon, so why so gloomy?
Well I think I finally know the answer. The last few years have been a bit tough as I have fought hubby's depression and mood swings, forcing myself to believe that things will get better. Of course life has it ups and downs and it must have been so painful for him loosing every thing from his job to his father and his dignity as he found himself doing and saying the most inappropriate of things for no reason he could even begin to explain the next day, that's if he could even remember the incident. But I seem to have spent a long time at the bottom of the trough since the turn of the century, God that makes me sound old, which of course i am a bit.
Now don't get me wrong I know that there is no reason why I should not be tested and I have tried to follow the example of my friend Margaret http://www.margaretwest.net/ and find a spiritual happiness which I truly believe is there if I could just find it. Last spring Mags gave me a gift , a Wish diary, for which I was very grateful but thought was a bit a a giggle. It was in fact the start of what I have finally realised today. On the 7.45 to Bromley south, after several weeks of carting this diary around in my bag, I thought to amuse myself on the journey ( and if I am honest to try to relieve the deep despair I was feeling on this particular day) I would start to fill it in. Now I don't really understand this wishing business and I am sure Mags would be much better placed to explain it,but it helped. I thought a little about what I was feeling. I was ANGRY.Hell was i angry that hubby was unable to control his moods, angry that even that smallest decision was beyond him and that he would spend so much time trying to decide what to prepare for Dinner that there wouldn't actually be any cooked and angry that he had left me so bloody alone. Which brings me back to Wishing.positive affirmations the instructions said, I am rather than I will." I am being patient with Hubby" I told the diary that day on the train and" I am saving for a Camper Van". Now in the long term these have both been tricky, I have been more successful with one than the other but I had made a decision and do you know what I felt good about it. As the months have passed my resolution has been tested but through this written commitment i have been able to cope a little better and slowly a kind of Happiness found me and I think people around me have felt it too. Now I skip ahead to this week. I feel really unsettled and a little Blue which is very silly because all of the things I wished for are coming through. Hubby Is much better and now has a Job which he is loving, we will have a second wage coming in which will take the pressure off a bit,in fact the whole family seem really settled so what is wrong with me? Ha! my revelation, it is change, Change is what i am finding difficult and is making me sad. I have been sailing this ship for so long single handed for so long I has felt normal and now the tide has changed and I don't know which way to steer. What I have been feeling is contentment and acceptance, happiness followed on it's own. Mr Cameron take note uncertainty causes unhappiness.
Thursday 11 November 2010
Foreign Lorry drivers
Today i had a scary lorry experience at junction 10 off the M20 and my question today is, why do Foreign Lorry drivers seem to think it is OK to apply their continental driving rules to our roads? I hate junction 10 and avoid it like the plague if i possibly can but today at 5pm i had to make a decision, shall i face the dreaded 10 at the busiest time of day or go the long way round? Don't be a baby , I told myself it's only a big roundabout you've been round it loads of times, 100's of drivers do it every day! 3 lanes at this point and i choose the middle, got to go nearly all the way round today. I am taking the car to the garage for its MOT repair, it just needs a years ticket and I think I may have a buyer tomorrow fingers crossed. Right now, where was I? Oh yes Middle lane, lights on Red, changing to green and I'm off. Oh this is easy still in the middle, as i approach the next set of lights they go to red. Other cars pull up either side of me but actually its not as busy as i expected. Green light, off I go again, piece of cake. Cars in the left hand lane peel off heading for the M20 coast bound and then all of sudden they are replaced by a bloody great lorry the size of the isle of white! The lorry is getting closer and closer and i try to breath in and make myself as small as possible to accommodate him but he is actually trying to force himself into my lane!!!! Forced to break, I cant believe my eyes as I am side swiped by this behemoth of a truck which Knocks the wing mirror off of my poor little Punto that i was hoping to sell tomorrow. Another Red light and luckily the Lorry, Which is now directly in front of me, has had to stop. Hazard lights flashing I lept out of the car and ran up to the lorry cab and pounded on the door. Slowly the window wound down but no cheery Eddie Stobart driver looked out .Nope, I was on the wrong side it was a damn Foreign Lorry, Polish as it turns out. What now? Not quite knowing what to do next I ran to the front of the lorry and after much waving of arms and shouting "you've just knocked my bloody mirror off" a head appeared and informed me he was Polish and No English!! Why oh why could I not be Bashed by an English Driver? Needless to say when he presented his documents they too where all foreign and I couldn't work out what numbers etc i should be writing down. Thank God for Kent police and google translate, not that i know how to use it but the very nice policeman did.
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